Going Against My Will

"Pick up your clothes!"

"Come and eat!" 

"Clean the dishes!"

"Hang up the phone!"

My mother was a taskmaster. Living with her as a teenager was not easy. I know that she loved me. She did her best and I am eternally grateful for eveything she taught me. By the time I went to college, I knew how to cook, clean, do my laundry, iron, and care for myself.  Although there were many times I chose not to do what she instructed, I felt the reprimand verbally or physically. I never knew that when I acted against my will and did my mother's, I was acting on "agere contra." 

Agere contra is Latin which means "to go against." I learned it as a Jesuit novice in 1998. Seeking to find God in all things, I entered the Society of Jesus religious community to find my vocation (calling). One of my most memorable experiences was when I was assigned to an apostolate in Syracuse, NY called Loretto Home. 

At first, I thought I was being punished. I didn't want to go to a skilled nursing facility for seniors and spend two days out of my week for 12 hours visiting, caring for and praying with sick, older people. I was young and had lots of ideas to help with youth and jail ministry. None of that was in store for me. The novice director had decided I would best serve the community at Loretto. I was upset. 

Different forms of prayer were introduced to us that included the Daily Examen as well as Lectio Divina. None helped me. I turned to writing and drawing little stick figures. I wrote down the feelings that I experienced. It seemed to be the only way to get it out. I didn't understand what God was doing let alone these Jesuits I had just moved in with. I was not hopeful. 

Sometimes in life God is hard to find. That's because he is talking or whispering while we are looking or moving. We use a different sense than He.  We may not be in sync. God gave us all these senses to experience life, and HIm, in its totality. At times, we can best experience Him via touch or  through smell. Our God is real, alive and wants us to use the physical as well as the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional to find Him in all things. 

I was using the wrong sense and my time at Loretto became challenging. Visiting the sick on different floors was interesting but "being" with them was not. Many were ill, under medication, had to be fed and cleaned, and transported for appointments and what not. I was immersed on purpose. And, that's what bothered me: it was done purposefully so I can get out of myself and find Jesus in these people who were close to death. I wasn't buying and it made me bitter. 

That's when my spiritual director introduced the idea of "agere contra."  Claudio saw me struggling and sad. He told me to embrace exactly the opposite of what I wanted. I had been focusing on what made me comfortable and would bring me glory. I had forgotten about God and what would bring Him glory. Agere contra is not about you. Its about God. Yet, it begins with you and ends up with a new you in Him. 

Then, one morning I just sat in the hallway on the 13th floor of Loretto. I tried to place myself in their shoes and be like them. I asked myself, 'What would happen if I just sat here and did nothing?'  I heard screams, moans, snoring, residents who walked by, and nurses answer phones. I just sat and sat and sat. 

There was no deep spiritual revelation or light or voice. I was not knocked down from my horse or moved to confession to pray for forgiveness for my poor attitude. All I heard were the residents and the noises they made. I smelled a combination of food and floor wax. I saw long corridors, crumbs on the floor, wheelchairs spinning, and the elevator doors open and close. I felt the stiff chair against my back and the thick, sultry temeperature that kept the residents warm. 

In all THAT, I found peace. I found humanity. I found Jesus struggling to live, catch his breath, thirst, and desire to be with his loved ones. Sounds like calvary to me. Jesus had his own "agere contra" in the garden. Mine was at Loretto. 

Often I wonder about the residents. If I stop, I still see, hear, feel, and smell them. They will always be with me because I went against my own will. Embracing what you don't want helps you grow. Its not putting yourself in other people's shoes, its being more. Recognizing when to use agera contra is a grace, a gift from God. Sometimes we need a guide, like my spiritual director, to provide advice or a new path. This new path reminds me of what the Jesuit Teilhard de Chardin said, "Every spiritual journey begins at Calvary."  Jesus knew it. I know it now.